


Longing for Nothing

by Lasairiona



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23948728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lasairiona/pseuds/Lasairiona
Summary: Content warning: suicidal thoughtsAikaterini has been named the Alliance Commander, but she doubts her capabilities to lead.
Relationships: Aric Jorgan/Female Republic Trooper
Kudos: 6





	Longing for Nothing

_I hear the hum of a lightsaber and fall into a backwards roll on instinct. Years of fighting the Empire had my senses honed to an edge I didn't lose while frozen in carbonite. The yellow blade slashes down in front of me, destroying the console I'd just sliced into to release the Gravestone. Before I can regain my feet, Arcann grips me with the Force and flings me across the platform._

_“We have some unfinished business, Outlander,” he states in that gravelly voice of his._

_I raise myself to my feet as Arcann approaches, his gait full of confidence._ Arrogance _, I correct myself. I draw my pistol and fire, the bolt ricocheting off the mask covering half his face._ Damn, an inch too far to the right. __

_I can feel the fury radiating from him. “You. Don't. Touch. Me!”_

_I smirk and exchange my pistol for my assault cannon. “Just did.”_

_Metallic footsteps ring out behind me as HK-55 runs to my side, his blaster rifle already drawn and leveled at the Emperor. “Request: die, Meatbag!”_

_It doesn't surprise me that HK fires first, letting off a stream of automatic blaster fire. Arcann expertly deflects them, his lightsaber hissing with each hit. He advances on the battle droid, slicing it in two with his lightsaber._

__No, that's not right. That's not what happened. __

 _Suddenly Koth is there, dead on the floor instead of HK. HK still stands beside me._ No, no, this isn't right! __

_HK turns toward me. Rifle still up. “Request: die, Meatbag!”_

_“What? No, HK, it’s me!” When it continues to advance I fire on it. Arcann looks amused._

_“Outlander, come. Rule beside me. You alone can control the Throne. It's your destiny.”_

_Arcann extends his hand—the mechanical one—and I see my own hand reaching for it. I can't stop it, stop myself, even as my mind screams every protest._

_“You'll be my Empress,” Arcann continues, walking me up to the Eternal Throne._ When did we move to the throne room? _His voice is no longer just his, mixing with that of Valkorion. “Power over the galaxy is yours to claim, just as soon as you end him.”_

_“As you say, my Lord.” My voice is unfamiliar to me. I never use that tone, nor had I ever called anyone by that Sith honorific._

_Arcann offers me his lightsaber, and I take it from him willingly. The power is intoxicating, and the light of the blade is hypnotizing. “Cut him down, and the Throne is yours.” He gestures behind me, and I turn._

__Aric! _My husband is on his knees, restrained by the Knights of Zakuul. I stand over him, grip the weapon's hilt in both hands. I meet his eyes and hesitate._

_Arcann's hand touches my back. “He's always held you back. He's not worthy of you. No where close to your equal.”_

_I nod woodenly, then slash down._

I wake in a cold sweat, my sheets and bed clothes soaked. I bolt for the refresher, my stomach heaving. I killed Aric. I feel the tears on my cheeks, the guilt weighing on me. “It's not real,” I whisper, once my stomach is empty. “You didn't kill Jorgan.”

I slip my hand under the hem of my nightshirt, feeling the round scar on my stomach just below my rib cage. It's still tender, the scar tissue tight. Kolto could only do so much for a lightsaber wound. I close my eyes and rest my head on my arm.

“You didn't kill Jorgan. You didn't join Arcann. He stabbed you with his lightsaber.” Another deep breath. “You didn't kill Jorgan. You didn't join Arcann. He stabbed you with his lightsaber.”

I falter with my mantra as Aric's pleading and disbelieving face forces its way back into my mind.

Aric kneeling.

Aric looking at me with those gorgeous Cathar eyes.

I retch into the toilet again. _No! No, I didn't kill him!_ Nothing comes up. I can't do this. I can't lead this alliance when I can't even hold myself together.

Wiping my mouth, I curl up on the floor. Sobs wrack my body, and I wish that Arcann had killed me back on Asylum. I touch the scar on my abdomen again. “That wasn't real. This is real.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, try to think of something else. Something happier. Aric, awkwardly trying to ask me to be his life-mate, then complaining that I had ruined his proposal because I had him flustered. His smile when I said yes, his eyes so full of hope and happiness. Full of pain as I swing the lightsaber.

“No! Nonononono!” I sit up and press my clenched fists to my forehead. “Stop it! Get out of my head! That isn't real... it isn't real.”

Getting to my feet, I start pacing around my room. I'm exhausted, drained both physically and emotionally, but I can't bring myself to get back into my bed. I glance at the time stamp on my data pad.

0242.

I strip off my damp clothes and change into a fresh tank top and my old army issue training shorts before leaving my quarters. As the Alliance Commander, I have a private apartment down a hallway from the main barracks in the military wing of the base. I shuffle down the hallway, the only sound the soft padding of my bare feet on the stone floors.

The hangar is void of people, much to my relief. I don't think I can face anyone right now. Not even Lana or Theron. They've seen me at some low points, but this... I shake my head. No, I just need solitude.

I walk out of hangar, along the walkway to my private landing pad. Or more accurately, to my ship.

I enter my code to open the door, locking it behind me. Nostalgia washes over me, and I can almost hear the voices from the past. Aric yelling at Vik. Elara complaining about Vik. Fourex complaining about Imperials. I swallow, wondering if this was a good idea.

I walk through the ship, trailing my fingertips along the walls. I avoid my quarters. There are too many memories there. Too many memories of him. I stop in the med bay, pleased to see it had been restocked since Theron brought it home to me. I rifle through the shelves until I find the strongest sedative there. For just a moment I consider swallowing the whole bottle. Maybe then I'll be released from this hell.

_“Do you really think I'd allow you to die so easily?”_

“Shut up!” I try to cover my ears to block out Valkorion's condescension. Fine, not the whole bottle. Just a double dose. I shake two pills from the bottle and swallow them dry. I set the open bottle on the counter before wandering out of the med bay.

I walk the ship again, finding myself in the crew’s quarters when I feel the drug begin to take affect. I sink onto Aric's old bunk. “Where are you, Jorgan?”

I push aside the army standard issue wool blanket and curl up, hugging the pillow to my body. I bury my face in it and inhale, wishing that it still held even the slightest scent of him. It didn't. Evidence of my guilt, shame, and fear seep out of my eyes as the drugs finally pull me into their chemical slumber.


End file.
